Hey guys! This post is just me looking back on my 4-month-long holiday and reflecting a little before school starts. I got accepted into Temasek Polytechnic and I'm doing Information Technology, I'm super excited :) I can finally commence my 10-day countdown till my orientation!

When I look back on the past few months, I think the highlights are the new skills and lessons I've learnt. I also vividly remember the challenges and triumphs I have with loved ones. I can name 4 things which stick out to me:

• Boxing 
• Painting (I have an online portfolio here)
• 18th Birthday
• Church camp

And to accompany through it all is my wonderful boyfriend; Gabriel :)

I've been really into painting recently and I guess it all started from this artwork:

"Open Heaven"


This picture can be found on my Instagram :)

I had a church camp called 'Open Heaven' coming up so I was inspired to paint an ocean. I had no idea how it would turn out before or while I was painting but I was very pleasantly surprised by the end result. The kind feedback from family, peers and my boyfriend just kept me painting.

I'll be scattering some of my other pieces which I quite like throughout this post. More can be found here. I also have a YouTube video showcasing my 'portfolio' of artworks done so far at that point in time (which is majority of the pieces). Link to that video is here.




"Portal"

The next exciting thing which happened during the holiday was my birthday! And not just any birthday, it was my 18th birthday :)
Gabriel's birthday falls 8 days before mine so we had a combined birthday celebration at my place. We're both officially legal! I don't usually invite people over and I'm terrible at entertaining guests but I'm so thankful that the night went smoothly and people had a good time.


"Jealousy"

Let's get real deep for a moment. I'm guilty of comparing myself to others multiple times. And it all boils down to envy, no matter how hard I try to deny it. Envy/jealousy is ultimately an emotion related to fear. And I'm a very fearful person but I'm working on it! There's a quote which struck me:

When jealousy rears up, it indicates that something inside of you is afraid. It's an alarm, nothing less and nothing more. Treat it as such. 

-Anothny D. Ravenscroft

Throughout my birthday period (especially on my actual birthday where I was cooped up serving in church camp which I'll talk about more later), I found myself feeling really upset. Thoughts like, "Why can't I celebrate my 18th birthday in a club like those celebrities or in a hotel like those famous bloggers?",  "Why am I here?", "Nobody cares about me," etc. kept running through my head. I just wanted so much to feel special on my actual birthday but I guess I wasn't receiving the love or attention I wanted. And it was so frustrating because I knew that I was being a spoilt brat and asking for too much in my head. I told myself to calm down and think rationally but that only conceals my negative feelings, it doesn't get rid of them.


"Australia: Phillip Island I"

I get so caught up wanting to be nice and 'perfect' or ideal that I suppress some of my very normal human emotions. For example, if I'm upset for a valid reason, instead of allowing myself to feel, I talk myself out of it with things like, "Girl, you shouldn't be feeling this way!", "You're better than this!" etc. It happens a lot and it made me hit a couple of lows this holiday. It was like I was swinging between extremes and it was very tiring. I'm just thankful for the people in my life to pull me out of those lows :)

I'm also very thankful for the amazing advice I got. Someone told me that I shouldn't let the 'dream Nicole' get in the way of how I really feel about things. And that person also told me to not let my thoughts make me lose sight of the truths.

And I've realised that the best way for me to resolve this internal turmoil is to talk to someone-which is the most difficult thing for me to do. I rarely confide in people because I'm so scared of being vulnerable. But if it was easy, it probably wouldn't be worth it.


"Crashing Over Me"

Church camp (Open Heaven) was on 15th-19th March and my birthday fell during camp so I was a little sad that day. I guess I'm a typical teenage girl who wants to have a special day where things really go my way and for me to feel extra special and loved. But things can't always go according to our plans because God has greater plans I guess.
So I didn't spend my birthday having a bash like celebrities or some of my friends do on their 18th. I served God alongside my boyfriend and precious church friends. It was tiring and I was still a little upset deep down but it was a blessing in disguise. I just really hope my next birthday doesn't fall during camp. I've already began imagining how I want my 19th birthday to be, HAHA.


"Lion and The Lamb"

The significance of sacrifice also really struck me this holiday. What are you willing to sacrifice for [fill in the blank]? What would you sacrifice for your friendship, your family, your relationship, your work etc.? I think everything worth having doesn't come easy and it's definitely going to require some form of sacrifice. And how much you're willing to give up is proportional to how much that thing means to you.


"River Wild"

I'm still learning to handle my emotions because I feel like I feel too much sometimes and then I have those periods, after I've felt too much, where I just shut-off and literally can't cry or feel anything. I become numb and that's when it's dangerous. I'm learning to take things easy and trust myself and others around me. I'm learning to love myself and see my strengths and my beauty. We're all beautiful in our own special way and just because she's beautiful, it doesn't mean I'm not. And blowing out someones candle will not make yours shine any brighter. You could even end up blowing out your own candle by accident.

I saw this quote while writing this blogpost which really resonated with me:

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only on alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.   

-Jennifer James 

"Keep My Eyes Above The Waves"

Enough of all the negative emotions. Let me talk about something which I feel quite accomplished about. I was able to give my testimony in front of a pretty big crowd in my church youth ministry despite the emotional roller coaster I was on in the previous week. It was intense but it went pretty well and I'm glad I managed to pull off the humorous bits.


"Oceans"

God plays a really big part in my life and in my paintings. I watched The Shack with Gabriel and it was such an amazing movie. We first heard of the novel/film from Hillsong United because they did a song for the movie. It's so amazing!! Everything about the movie tugged on my heartstrings. I don't want to give any spoilers but I just felt so renewed after seeing this movie. And it made me feel so blessed to know God and for me and Gabriel to have the same faith.

That's all for this super messy post, it was more of an outlet and reflection for me. I teared up while typing some parts, heh. I just want you to know that you are so wonderfully made and no one can change who you are. You're amazing, strong and beautiful. I appreciate you and you are so important. Your feelings matter and your emotions are valid.

That's all for this post, take care and God Bless :)